He calls her his moon because he says that she is his reflection

His better half…and after 15 plus years, excuse the cliché

But she says he takes her breath away…like asthma

In the past, Poppa Bear’s been so good to her and the kids

Cupboards never bare, roof overhead

Walk in full of shoes and clothes

And everybody knows these two were made for each other

So perfect

She says he’s worth it

Empathizes with the strain in his eyes

She apologies for his issues with compliance

Maybe if I just stay quiet

Eyes averted

But worse than staying oblivious, his outbursts hurt

When the curse words rain

Her finger itches around her wedding ring

Every time he reminds her

That life would not be so nice without him

She keeps silent and

Serving the dinner with trembling hands

She makes the effort to understand him

Even asks her pastor

And his sermons warn that a woman has a role

So when he loses control when the dinner rolls

Bake a bit too hard

The quote rings in her ears, “Wives, submit yourselves

Unto your husbands, as unto the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:22

So when her palm presses against

The fingerprints in her arm

Pulling sleeve down over the black and blue

She whispers

Forgive them Father for they know not what they do…

Each time the fever subsides

And his eyes go from coldness to contrition

She listens to his reasons with fatigued ears

Yes Dear

Bitch becomes a term of endearment.

He fears losing everything he’s gained

Dabs her saturated cheeks with admissions of grief and sorrow

Promising tomorrow he’ll be better

And she makes the decision whether to believe him or not

She looks around at everything they’ve got and thinks of their family

And their history, the sanctity of their vows

And how he can’t seem to catch a break

She thinks of their babies, their savings

And the neighbors who heard her screams but chose not to save her

Whatever will they think?

He just had a few drinks too many

And there’s been plenty times when

There were more kisses than curse words…

Where can she go with no money

No job, no father to the kids

He’s sorry for what he did

So she hid “bitch you’re worthless” amid their wedding vows

And hid the bruises among the flowers

To camouflage the color of blood in the midst of roses

He stole her breath away…

When he choked her by the throat

And she’s chosen to ignore the fear that her breath might not come back no more

Presses play on Badu…I’m an Orange Moon

But she only lip syncs because she must stay silent

Squeezing them together because they still sting

She is his everything

His better half

But maybe better ain’t sufficient

If something’s deficient in your math

How can fractured fractions expect anything to last

With a lack of wholeness in you

He calls her his moon because he says that she is his reflection

But he busts the glass into pieces as if to release his demons

He chases them to the bull’s eye on her face

And the blood she tastes smears across her mouth

Smile stretched over clenched teeth

The stain of never complaining on her lips

She is his moon, reflecting

She is his moon


A Letter to Me

Dear four.

I want you to run around and around in a circle until you’re dizzy and you fall out giggling. I want you to walk outside naked. Eat a bug, why not. Laugh at the sounds of bees. Do all of this Because You Can. Sit on your mother’s knees until she says that you’re too heavy, and don’t wipe the kisses from your forehead. Let the imprints linger. You’ll miss them. I promise you this.

Dear seven.

You will never be this perfect again. Your mouth and eyes are both still soft. Wear yellow while it doesn’t make you self-conscious of looking like God. Shine while you’re not paying attention. I won’t forget you.

Dear ten.

You didn’t cut yourself down there. No one told you, but this means that boys will begin to see you as more than the best kick ball draft pick. You will know embarrassment as thick as the blood you hope doesn’t show when you stand up but you will have to stand up sometimes…so you might as well get used to doing it no matter what other people think of you. You only have a few hugs left. Let them teach you more than the ass whippings.

Dear twelve.

I’m sorry, but yes, those breasts are only going to get bigger. So is the distance between you and home. You are learning habits that will take a long time to undo, and you won’t get to say that you are sorry. They know you are sorry. They are sorry even if their words and their hands say otherwise. When your brother aims at your chest now with fists and feet, I need you to run. It’s ok to run. You won’t always have this luxury, so do it now while you still can. Jump from that window and don’t look back because I don’t want you to turn into stone. Nothing about surviving will be easy, but you are the one that may not make it if you stay. Go. No one will follow you this time. Run.

Dear fifteen.

I’m sorry that someone followed you this time. I’m sorry that I taught you to be so brave that you forgot to be cautious. You will never remember his face. You will only recall the feeling of your back pinned to cobblestones, and you will remember the moment you understood that love isn’t the only thing that makes babies. This will be the only time a lie was the right thing to do. This is where you learn to sacrifice, and this is where you will train yourself to forget because forgiveness is decades away from being an option. Push. Push hard and breathe. This is only the beginning of needing to do it anyway no matter how much it hurts. His tiny hands and feet will hold you tight, so hold him close and remember: this is what love feels like.

Dear twenty one.

Your life is never going to come with instructions. Make mistakes. Don’t regret 16 just because it wasn’t sweet, and everything that had to be up until now was by no means by accident. You may die a few times. Lessons in changing are necessary, especially for butterflies.

Dear thirty one.

This is the heart of the story. The previous chapters were just a rough draft and it keeps changing. Get used to it. Don’t feel sorry for twelve through twenty one because they only trained you for everything that came before thirty two. Thank them every day for staying around. They didn’t have to.

Dear thirty two.

I hope you kept those forehead kisses for as long as you could. I tried to tell you. You’ll record her breathing on a cell phone hoping to hold on to the sound, but it won’t be the same as hearing your name. Those memories will be as fragile as disintegrating photographs unearthed in Katrina soaked apartments. It’s time to stop running and to remember You wearing the color yellow.

Dear thirty eight.

You’ve been waiting for your breath to come back. You are only just learning to use your lungs but don’t be afraid to speak everything into existence. This is what you have been given. But this is not the time to think that this gift is a consolation prize for zero through now. Every moment before this was the reason, and these words are simply how the story gets told. So be open. Trust the process. And when your passion asks you to listen to Vickie’s stories, pay attention. It will mean more than you think.

Dear thirty nine.

Happy birthday. You will get many gifts this year, but the biggest will be the simple little book that Vickie gives you because karma is not always a bitch. She will hand you the right book at the right time that will inspire each one of these lines but only if you spend the last thirty eight years learning why she is just as significant and worthy as every forehead kiss or missed prom or son born, or sun rise because time flies but every mile of that journey has a purpose that is worth every pain of growing.

…so when she hands you that gift, hug her like she has given you the universe for your birthday because she has. Hugs will only get easier now. Eat cake. Watch more cartoons in your pajamas. Hold hands with strangers. Do all of this Because You Can. And stand up when everybody’s looking. It’s ok. You have absolutely nothing to hide.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s